Not Really Lonely

I am 57 now. My journey like yours have been painful and buckets full of tears. I dislike sympathy especially the one my mother gives me. I am her only son, single without a girlfriend or child. It really hurts her to see me that way and unfortunately she has passed some 4 years ago. I miss her. She is the only caregiver I knew. I have step-brothers and 7 sisters. One is late and has HbSS like me - I miss her too.

I am my own caregiver

What I really want to share is that I have been alone from the day I graduated. Currently as a lecturer, I am financially stable and have all it takes to be comfortable. I am my own caregiver, rarely visits the hospital or have a doctor. I solely take care of myself and refuse to share my health status except to a few trusted friends or if I wish to encourage someone or explain why I look sickly.

My health journey

Health wise, I have had 4 blood transfusion before the age of 20. I have hepatomegaly, splenectomy, 7 leg ulcers so far which I treat on my own. I have had 2 surgeries Osteomyelitis and cataract. Currently I am having serious arthritis, especially on my hands and shoulders. My medications are folic acid, vitamin C and multivitamins and I try to stay hydrated, but it's so difficult and I always end up with 2.25 litres a day. Anyway, I weigh just 56kg and 5'11". I fear drugs and only take my NSAID painkillers when the symptoms appear, so I can attack it early enough.

Lonely but not alone

Maybe I am blessed because I try not to be lonely or stressed especially with the constant nagging pressure of getting married and having children. I have a friend I always run to each time pressures of life tries to flood me. I always sit by my beside in my lonely big 3 bedroom apartment and talk to HIM. HE always hears and direct my life. My life is full of miracles. How I have lived this long, this way, baffle me and a lot of friends. People gossip me a lot, most times out of envy because it seems to them that I have it all and still living alone. Truly, it could be better with a wife and children but I always am afraid of sharing my weakness and wonder at times if my wife would get tired and live. I will try - I hope it turns out fine. I am lonely but not alone.